chapter 3: The first time I laid eyes on you
The next day was a long day too. You were born around 11 pm and I had to wait 24 hours to see you. Your dad was amazing. He visited you, came back and showed me pictures, talked to your doctors and nurses, and did his best to make me feel informed. But it was so hard. I felt more out of control and now uninvolved. I hated being separated from you. I hadn’t seen you, hadn’t touched you. Finally 24 hours passed and they prepped me to see you. Your dad wheeled me upstairs but we were turned away. The pod was full of doctors and nurses, another baby was having an end of life surgery. How heartbreaking. It would be 6 more hours of waiting. We had such mixed emotions, how could we be upset? Another family was hurting far more than us. But I wanted to see you so badly. We just prayed for that family and waited for the clear. It finally came and I got to see you, got to touch you. What a precious moment. On the way out I ran into an OT I knew. I went to school with her husband and it was so refreshing to see a friendly face. We arranged for her to come and meet us the next day so that she could help me hold you and we could do some kangaroo time. I couldn’t wait.
Facebook post from that night: My heart is overflowing. The wait has finally been lifted and we were able to see our girl around 4:30 this morning. I could not wait to get my eyes AND hands on her. She’s feisty and is a great advocate for where she wants you to touch her. She let me love on her and put her to sleep, we had our first big diaper change, and we even opened our eyes! Waiting to see you was so painful baby girl but you are every bit worth the wait. More updates to come.
We got to hold you. We had our first family photo. You just laid on my chest as tears streamed down my eyes. The nurses were so sweet and helpful. So many of them had helped our friend's baby (Daniel) for his 6 month stay at UNC and we felt known by these strangers. The Lord just continued to surround us with his love. You stayed in the hospital for a total of 17 days. 17 days of prayer and praise. 17 days of hard moments and seeing God come through OVER AND OVER AND OVER. I made a little book for you of these memories and pictures - from the day before you were born until your original due date. He sent nurses to love on us, celebrate with us, grieve with us when we couldn't see you because someone in your pod needed extra care. They took care of us when all we could do was think about you. Our church poured out their prayers and made us meals and checked on us, especially when we had to leave you in the NICU. That was a difficult day. Momsie and Papa took care of us and made sure we were fed and loved. Momsie and I opened all your gifts and organized your nursery. That gave me hope. You would be home soon, this was just a season of separation.
Finally, after 17 days of tubes, glucose checks, oxygen levels, heart rate monitoring, body temperature regulating, transitioning you from tubes to a bottle, a constant flow of medical professionals... you finally came home and you're here with us. We're still figuring out your GI needs but God has given us a wonderful specialist. You are healthy and growing. You are curious and funny. You love baths, your vibrating chair, music, bird sounds, walks in your stroller and being held. You're our Mighty Maggie and our little miracle girl. You're God's great gift to us.
We love you. May this story and all the ones proceeding remind you that -
You are loved by many. You have been prayed for by many. You have been teaching your mom lessons about God even before you were conceived. Your life has purpose.
You are called to be a strong woman. You are made in the image of God. He has a great purpose for you.
This world is chaotic, broken, and dark. But there is always hope. Nothing is an accident - from when you were born, to how you were born, to this day. Embrace your strengths and weaknesses - you don’t have to “be” anything or “do” anything to have value. You are valuable because you are made in His image. You have worth in that alone and in who you are. Everything else is a bonus.
